You

on a cold November day I think of you

you who meant the world to me

me loved you whole heartedly

heart who had been broken but still beating

beating with blood that still runs through my veins

veins that keeps me alive to feel pain

pain that molded me to become who i am today

today hoping that this will be the last day ill think of you

YOU!

wine and time

though I am was with you yesterday

still feels this wall between us keeps growing everyday

is it really too much to ask for us to be Okay

or should I get the message that you want to go away

 

Why we can’t go back being what we were?

being normal is it too much to bear?

We had talks, we had drinks, we had our time

I missed being with you is that even a crime?

 

 

Dear Tuesday,

Once my favorite day of the week

this day makes my heart feel so weak

looking back on the day we meet

reminiscing  oh so bitter sweet.

Question still pops in my head

What if I did not said?

Will I still be holding you in my bed?

Or maybe tears will still shed.

I’m missing you more and more

still sobbing and I still mourn

of our present and future is torn

I still need you in any form.

How things can change so fast

leaving me without a mask

feeling naked is a must

and feel the pain worth your trust.

Wishing for another chance

to be with you or even just a glance

hoping for another dance

on your favorite music which is trance.

Sipping our favorite drinks

from evening until the dawn breaks

Oh Mr. Tuesday, I’m craving for you

One last time, I’ll swear I will be true.

Random

Should I go or should I not

for a love that I know it wouldn’t last

But thinking of how it was

feelings came back just like a rush.

Thoughts of you still lingering

of what we might have been

because of fear I restained

to feel anything but just a pain.

the joy and the laugher all memories

of someone that I really miss

craving for your warm embrace

and most of all your sweet caress

still thinking if you are a blessing 

or a curse that i’ve been playing

but either or i am still wanting

a peice of you for sure I’ll be keeping

do you think of me like i do now

or have forgotten and end a bow

Yesterday & Today

  
and I am back again to the same spot. 

doing the same thing.

 how could time passed by so fast and leaving so much memories. 

guess I am back to reality. 

But living that fantasy world never left me with any regrets. 

Because what is important. 

I live the life. 

Thanks to you.

Beautiful Broken Rule

 

This will be my first blog and I am so excited to share it.

Last night was the end of a possible new beginning. A potential good start. But it is was ruined with meaningless words and ending up hurting the person you care.

It all began last month, I was having the worst days of my life. The feeling of being miserable consumes me. All of my whole being. I was shattered knowing the love of my life is getting married to someone not me. I decided to snap out of my agony and start breathing fresh air again. I activated my social being once again. I started dating. I had to do it online as I do not have a lot of options around me. I never used social network or social dating sites but might as well to give it a try. I wasn’t actually looking for someone serious or to have a relationship to begin with. I just wanted someone to talk to. A complete stranger where I can pour my heart out without being judged. A stranger that does not have idea of my past. Someone who has not seen my soul. Then he found me.

His approach was not a typical line that I usually get. “I might be the 99th guy to send you message but your cheeks are really cute”- he said. That line caught my attention and broke the ice. I replied. His profile is interesting. He was also good looking based on the pictures he had. We were chatting the whole day since I am not busy at the office. He invited me to meet for some drinks after work. And I agreed.

I am so tensed while preparing to meet him that night. I couldn’t  believe that I am actually meeting a total stranger. This things are new for me. I was so nervous and excited at the same time. Then he called and told me he is already waiting down at my building where I stay. So this is it. Finally, my first blind date. When I climbed at his car, I was smitten by him. He was well groomed and looking very decent and smart. While we are on our way to the club we agreed to hang out, we were already talking and feeling more comfortable with each other. He is a smooth-tongued guy. While we are already having drinks, we never stopped talking, topic after another topic. He even initiate a game to keep it alive. That is how interactive he is. I think feeling of interest is a mutual for the both of us. We gave each other’s signals that we are interested to get to know each other more. We drunk. We danced. We laugh. and finally we kissed. Yes! we kissed on the first date! That time I know then that I broke my rule. We had this connection and chemistry and intensity that I cant really explain where it came from but I’m enjoying that feeling and I feel that is mutual.

We continue seeing each other after that first date and we went out almost twice a week. He let me experience things for the first times. We are so spontaneous and random. We were free living in our own secret world with our own rules. Then of course there is a turn of events.I started developing some sort of emotions towards him. This is the feeling of being attached to him, of missing him, of longing to be with him almost all the time. The feeling of needing him. I again broke my rule. I don’t want to get attached. I can’t get attached. And so as he. We have decided not to date exclusively and stay away from each other for awhile for us to divert our feelings and not to go beyond limits. Yes we set our boundaries. I tried to be OK with it. To be cool with it. I’ve accepted that time that at some point whatever we are having it has to end somehow. Acceptance is a must because I have broken my rules.

Then things suddenly changed. Conversation became lighter. Meets up became so rare. I missed him. I wanna be with him. But we cannot be together and I don’t want. I don’t want because I was afraid. I was afraid because I know it is wrong. It is wrong because I know I feel something towards him more than he can offer. So I made this illusion or maybe to validate my denial feelings. Made up this stories in my head. Made myself to believe in those words and whole idea of it. Then out of my unconscious state I regretfully  uttered those words. And ruined everything we had. Burst the beautiful world I created for me an him. And we cannot go back to the same ever because of the beautiful broken rule: LOVE.